Vadivel’s Special Vow
Vadivel was just twelve years old when he took his brahmacharya vrata at the temple in his guru’s ashram. He memorized the vow, and studied all the hard words: volition means free will, chastity means to abstain from sex; sublimate and transmute means to change a lower energy into a higher one; and betoken means to be a sign of. The ceremony was held during the ashram’s weekly early morning fire worship. With his guru, parents, relatives and friends looking on, he recited:§
“I, Vadivel, seek the blessings of God, Gods and guru as I declare of my own volition my firm intention to live a pure and virtuous life, and now take this brahmacharya vrata. I vow to value and protect purity in thought, word and deed, and chastity in body, to sublimate and transmute the sexual energies and the instinctive impulses of anger, jealousy, greed, hatred and selfishness. I promise to remain chaste and pure until marriage and wear this sacred brahmacharya cord around my waist to betoken this solemn oath. At such time that I marry, I promise to marry a Saivite Hindu virgin by arrangement of both families and with the blessings of my guru.”§
At the conclusion of the ceremony, his guru tied a white cord around his waist for him to wear all the time as a reminder of his vow. He would only remove it permanently when he married. It was easy for Vadivel to take the vow—his parents insisted he do so, and besides, he did not even like girls then! His sister Anbu, just a year younger than he, took her vow at the same ceremony.§
Now was the time for study, his father explained, not for finding a girlfriend. This all made sense to Vadivel, and things went along fine until he was 16. He was a top student in his class at one of Houston’s best schools, and his sister was also near the top of her class.§
But then things changed. He could never forget the first time he met Amelia. Mostly he had Indian friends, as there were so many Indians that lived in Houston, Texas. Amelia was different from the Indian girls. She was just so cool, he thought, especially when she talked baseball with him—that was his favorite sport. She actually knew more about baseball than most of the boys in his class. And this was in Texas, where baseball is taken very seriously!§
They would chat after class about the recent games and who might make it to the World Series. He would call her up or text her about a game in progress. These phone chats and meetings started to become frequent, and he found himself spending a lot of time with Amelia. Vadivel just thought of her as a good friend, maybe even his best friend.§
Then one day, his little sister Anbu, now 15, said, “Hey, Vadivel, don’t forget that you have taken a vow!”§
Blushing, he retorted, “Why are you reminding me of that now?”§
“You know why!” she replied, leaving the room.§
Confused by his feelings, he went for a long walk. He realized that Amelia had become more to him than just a friend. Amelia, he knew, had not taken a vow of celibacy. She clearly wanted a closer relationship. She would hold his hand, and last week gave him a tight hug. But what about him? He had taken a vow in the temple in front of God, his guru and parents. Vadivel knew that the vow was for his own good, and that it would not be right to break it.§
That week, his report card arrived, and his father noticed that his grades had dropped drastically. Vadivel, who had so far gotten A’s and just one B, had gotten a C in French, a language he was really good in! Vadivel tried to casually shrug it off, blaming his interest in sports and other activities. But his father would not accept that excuse.§
“Vadivel, you have forgotten that you have taken the brahmacharya oath. You are spending too much time in Amelia’s company, and that has resulted in this.”§
“No, Appa. Don’t blame Amelia. It has nothing to do with her,” he shot back.§
Appa was quiet for a minute and then said, “That’s fine. I could be wrong about Amelia. But I want to give you some advice. This is the time in your life for studying. A time will come when the right girl will be there for you to marry, but this is not that time. At your age, your spiritual energy should be going into your studies. It shouldn’t be going into a close friendship with a girl. Every time you are on the phone with her, you are losing important study time, and that is why your grades are suffering.”§
“She is just a friend, Appa.” Vadivel said softly.§
“In which case, you need not stop meeting her. But instead of meeting her alone, meet her with a group of friends. Avoid a one-on-one relationship, as otherwise you may end up breaking your vrata.”§
The next day was the first of the two-week Teen Sex Education classes given each year as part of the health studies course. Vadivel knew it was a controversial class. Some parents felt the class should not even be taught in the school. Children could only attend, in fact, after getting their parents’ written permission. He had talked it over with Appa, and they had decided it would be good for him. As it turned out, Amelia was in the same class, which included boys and girls.§
The teacher started off by asking, “How many of you have taken a vow of chastity?” Eight hands went up among the 22 students, and then Vadivel’s, making nine. He was surprised to see he was not alone in taking a vow to not have sex before marriage. It was obvious Amelia was surprised that he was one of the nine.§
The other eight students with vows were all Christians. Three were Catholics, four were Southern Baptists and wore “chastity rings,” and one was a Seventh Day Adventist. That was Scott, whom Vadivel knew because Scott was also a vegetarian. Each student was asked to explain why they had taken the vow and what it meant to them. Vadivel gave a convincing speech on the Hindu view of chastity and marriage. His words reminded him of why he valued his vow. And hearing the other students talk about their vows showed him it was not just something his family thought was important.§
At lunchtime that day, he walked to the cafeteria, where he often met Amelia. Reaching her table, he pulled up a chair and looked at her for a moment. He then said, “Amelia, I hope what I am about to say won’t upset you too much, but I think it is important for both of us. I know you didn’t realize I had taken a chastity vow. It doesn’t mean we can’t continue to be friends, just the way we are. It really is best for both of us, as we need to focus on our school work right now.”§
Amelia stared at him for a few seconds and then she said, “I thought we were growing closer. What’s happened to you? And what is this chastity thing about? I’m not one of those girls, but who waits for marriage these days anyway?”§
Vadivel looked down at the table and then looked at her again. This time he looked directly at her and said, “There is absolutely no doubt that we are growing closer and you are growing more important to me. That is exactly why we need to keep our distance. This is not the time for a serious boy-girl relationship. I hope you understand that. This is a time to study hard and build a strong foundation for the rest of our life. I have to go to class now. I’ll meet you at Joe’s place on the weekend.” He walked off quickly.§
Vadivel went to class and, for the first time in months, focused on what the teacher was saying.§
The weekend party was fun, with all his friends gathered around, discussing the baseball team’s performance. Then Amelia walked in, hand in hand with Dennis, the star shortstop on the baseball team. They casually walked past Vadivel, Amelia barely noticing him. She didn’t say anything to him the rest of the evening.§
Vadivel left the party early, his heart heavy. He knew that he had made the right decision—already he was doing better on quizzes, but that could not take away the pain he felt in his heart.§
When he returned home, his father asked, “What’s wrong, son?”§
“Nothing, I guess. Amelia seems to have forgotten me. She ignored me at the party and spent all her time with Dennis.”§
Then Anbu came in and loudly declared, “She dumped you!”§
“Anbu, be kind,” Appa scolded softly.§
Vadivel turned to Anbu with tears in his eyes and replied slowly, “Not really. I was the one who stopped the relationship. Still, it hurts.”§
“I’m sorry, Vadivel,” Anbu offered quietly, “I should take this as a warning for myself.”§
His father put his arm around Vadivel’s shoulder and said, “Son, Amelia is a good girl, but her priorities in life are different from yours. She wants to have fun now. When you said no, she found someone more willing. When the time is right, you will find your life partner, someone who will be your wife and your best friend, too. Till then, have fun—the right kind of fun, which in your case is studying and playing.”§
