Chapter 15§
Married Life
गृहस्थधर्म
UR MARRIAGES ARE A UNION NOT ONLY OF BOY AND GIRL, BUT OF THEIR FAMILIES AS WELL. NOT LEAVING SUCH CRUCIAL MATTERS TO CHANCE, ALL FAMILY MEMBERS PARTICIPATE IN FINDING THE MOST SUITABLE SPOUSE FOR THE SON OR DAUGHTER AND THEREAFTER COMMIT HEARTS AND MINDS TO ASSIST IN TIMES OF NEED. MARRIAGE IS A SACRED COVENANT WHICH ALL MEMBERS TAKE UP THE RESPONSIBILITY TO CARE FOR AND PROTECT.§
277 ¶Marriage is one of the most sacred events of life. Through the homa rite at the marriage ceremony, the priest invokes the 330 million Gods. The elders, the priests, the Gods, the devas, the planets and even cows witness the event. At this auspicious venue, witnessed by all present, the couple vow themselves to holy, harmonious matrimony for the rest of their lives. The Ṛig Veda intones: “United your resolve, united your hearts, may your spirits be one, that you may long together dwell in unity and concord.” Thus, divorce or annulment are considered out of the question. §
Guidance For Arranging A Marriage§
278 ¶While not all marriages must be arranged, there is wisdom in arranged marriages, which have always been an important part of Hindu culture. Their success lies in the families’ judgment to base the union on pragmatic matters which will outlast the sweetest infatuation and endure through the years. Working closely together in confidential communication, the international group of kulapatis and kulamātās follow tradition and prudent wisdom in assisting in marriages of those under their care, in coordination with a jyotisha śāstrī authorized by the Kailāsa Pīṭham. The devas familiar with astrology work with marriages to arrange the best matches. Most astrologers have one or more devas assisting them to provide knowledge from the ākāśic records and insight into the planetary powers that impel karmas. The following constitutes a general guide for arranging a marriage.§
1. SEEKING A PARTNER: The procedure should be coordinated by the kulapatis and kulamātās. Elders first seek a partner among families they know and esteem for the kinship bonds the marriage would bring. Stability is enhanced if the boy has completed his education, established earnings through a profession and is at least five years older than the girl. The kulapatis and kulamātās ponder whether the two families can blend into a one family harmoniously with benefits to both. A spouse is sought from within our fellowship’s global extended spiritual family. §
2. CONSULTING AN ASTROLOGER: The kulapatis confidentially consult a jyotisha śāstrī approved by the Kailāsa Pīṭham for an astrological compatibility between the boy and girl. Furthermore, compatibility of cultures is also taken into consideration. Astrological compatibility is sought for and acquired between the girl and her mother-in-law. The results are taken especially seriously if they will be living in the same home, because in this case, the bride will be under the guidance of the mother-in-law and may spend more time with her than with her husband. In marrying the son, she becomes the daughter of his mother. §
3. PRESENTING THE PROPOSAL: Once a potential spouse is selected, discreet, informal inquiries are made by a relative or friend. If the response is encouraging, the girl’s father meets with and presents a proposal to the boy’s father. In some communities it is the boy’s father who presents the proposal. In these modern times, with the diaspora throughout the world of Hindus from India, Sri Lanka and other countries, the fathers of both boy and girl must take an aggressive role in helping their sons and daughters become well-settled in life. And if fathers do not fulfill this function, it becomes the duty of the mothers. This pattern differs from the tradition of well-settled Indian village communities where only the father of the girl makes the overtures. In today’s widely dispersed global Hindu village it becomes everyone’s duty to help in the important task of match-making for the next generation. §
4. REVIEW OF COMPATIBILITY: The results of the couple’s compatibility test, and that of the bride-to-be and her potential mother-in-law, are dispatched by the kulapatis to Kauai Aadheenam for review by our jyotisha āchāryas. However, compatibilities are reviewed at the Aadheenam only for matches between Church members and only if sent by a kulapati. §
5. BLESSING FROM THE GURU: If both compatibilities are satisfactory, blessings for the marriage are given by the Guru Mahāsannidhānam. If the match seems unfavorable, no blessings are given and the families are advised to look further. §
6. MEETINGS: Once the match has been tentatively agreed upon, the families of the boy and girl gather at the girl’s home to get further acquainted and allow the couple to meet and discuss their potential life together. Of course, mutual attraction and full consent of the couple are crucial. §
7. CREATING MARRIAGE COVENANTS: The bride and groom each write out a covenant by hand, pledging loyalty to one another and formalizing their promises, expectations and love for one another. Before the wedding, the couple share these documents with each other, read them carefully and make necessary revisions until 100% agreement is achieved. The final pledges are read and avowed to in the presence of select elders prior to the wedding. Each of the two families makes a written pledge as well, signed by the mother and father of the boy and the mother and father of the girl, stating what they promise to do and give toward supporting this marriage in the areas of artha, kāma, dharma and moksha. Also most welcome are written testimonies in support of the marriage from grandfathers, grandmothers, uncles and aunts, sisters and brothers, as well as from other kulapatis and kulamātās. This is also a time when anyone among family and friends may in deepest confidence, even anonymously, share with the Pīṭham any obstacles to this marriage that should be known and understood by the Guru Mahāsannidhānam. A full, honest disclosure of the boy’s life and the girl’s life should be made to both families and to the Pīṭham. All four pledges, all written support from relatives and friends and all confidential disclosures are sent to the Aadheenam Pīṭham for blessings. If the pledges and all aspects of the match are auspicious, the Aadheenam sends a written approval, with abundant blessings, for the marriage to take place. Only with this blessing may the final engagement occur.§
Let there be no neglect of Truth. Let there be no neglect of dharma. Let there be no neglect of welfare. Let there be no neglect of prosperity. Let there be no neglect of study and teaching. Let there be no neglect of the duties to the Gods and the ancestors.§
KṚISHṆA YAJUR VEDA, TAITU 1.11.1. BO UPR, 537§
8. EXCHANGE OF GIFTS: When all agreements have been reached, the boy’s mother adorns her new daughter with a gold necklace. Generous gifts are exchanged between the individual members of both families to bind the two families together in love and loyalty. It is unacceptable in modern Hindu society, and especially in our fellowship, to follow the tradition in which the girl becomes the totally adopted daughter of the boy’s family and is never again allowed to see her family of birth. The blending of the two families as a one family gives both the son and daughter two families to support them in good times and bad. It is the responsibility of both families to work toward assuring an endearingly enduring marriage, as well as to guide the raising of the progeny, that they may become good, productive, dharma-aware citizens, contributing to society at large. If the two families fail in this mutual effort, society fails.§
9. THE WEDDING: Rejoicing begins with the formal engagement party, when the boy and girl exchange gifts, such as engagement rings. Later they privately read their pledges to each other in the presence of elders. All arrangements and ceremonies culminate on the wedding day, when members of both families join to wish the couple a righteous, prosperous, happy life leading to the ultimate goal of enlightenment. During weddings or other related ceremonies, our vegetarian diet should in no way be compromised. Meat and other nonvegetarian foods should not be served, even to please guests of other religions or communities. All Hindus attending should be requested to dress in formal Hindu attire.§
No Hurry, No Worry In Matchmaking§
279 ¶From the time of inquiry into a match, several months should be allowed for the jyotisha āchāryas and śāstrīs to assess compatibility. The whole process of arranging a proper match for a son or daughter often takes two or more years. There should never be a sense of urgency for this or any other lifetime commitment. Nor should the arrangements ever be forced on the boy or girl. They remain free to cancel the process at any time if the match does not seem suitable to them. As Sage Yogaswāmī so wisely said, “No hurry. No worry. No sorry.” If there is a sense of emergency or rush to acquire the compatibility, or if advice given is not taken, we will consider that a karmic match has already been completed, and no further intervention or evaluation of compatibility would be helpful. In such cases, when blessings are not given and the marriage occurs anyway, extra support is encouraged from the kulapatis and kulamātās to harmonize the prāṇas when “things go wrong.” §
Marrying Outside The Church§
280 ¶A boy or girl who marries outside the membership of the Church may continue as a Church member with the spounse’s permission. He or she is advised to marry someone who is interested in our Śaivite teachings and then encourage the spouse to enroll as a student and become a member. §
Promoting Cross-National Marriages §
281 ¶In 1994 I issued the following statement to heads of families worldwide on cross-national marriages: “Our Śaiva Siddhānta Church is now the sum total of all the many extended families worldwide relating and interrelating through religious activities, friendships, business and cross-national marriages. Cross-national marriages are inevitable as the peoples of the world become more and more a global village. This is the real, earthy expression of our belief in one God and one world. The soul has nothing to do with nationalism, social restrictions, ethnic taboos or restrictive, prejudicial upbringing. Two souls joining in dharmic matrimony transcend all such boundaries. It is the couple’s shared allegiance to the Pīṭham that is the most important common ground. As the spiritual preceptor of many joint and extended families, we expect the heads of each family to pay close attention to the above and speak against racial and ethnic prejudice and cross-national discrimination. Allow your own actions, your belief, your commitment, your determination to awaken the ancient teachings in your life and the lives of those around you.” §
As to a mountain that’s enflamed, deer and birds do not resort—so, with knowers of God, sins find no shelter.§
KṚISHṆA YAJUR VEDA, MAITU 6.18. BO UPH, 436§
Ongoing Support For Each Marriage§
282 ¶Once a marriage has been sanctified, both families are relied upon to hold the marriage together through the years. As we outlined in sūtra 115, “Each marriage within a Śaivite community enjoys support, strength and encouragement from the satguru and all of Śiva’s followers, and counsel from elders when needed, especially in times of trial. Aum Namaḥ Śivāya.” It is the duty especially of the husband’s parents to support and make the marriage work and offer a home to their new daughter. It is the duty of the bride’s parents to monitor her protection and observe the couple’s abilities to dwell in unity and concord, while allowing them to work things out together in their new home. If she is abused physically, they must open their doors to receive her back to be sheltered, comforted and consoled. It then becomes their duty and that of all kulapatis and kulamātās in the community to try to patch things up, restore harmony and obtain trustworthy promises from the husband that this will never happen again. The bride should receive no blame for her husband’s violence, for it is he who has broken his promise to adore and protect her from harm. The husband shall be given severe penance from the Pīṭham. When his atonement is satisfactory to all, the girl may return to him. If he does not perform his penance, his dismissal from the Church is automatic. The wife, however, may remain a member.§
Woman’s Control of Prāṇa§
283 ¶A woman’s first obligation is to give her prāṇa, spiritual energy, to her husband and make him strong. Children give their prāṇa to their parents, because the parents are Śiva-Śakti, the first guru, to them. The wife, always attending to her husband’s needs, sets the pattern for the children. They will naturally then be loyal and obedient to their parents, bringing them joy now and in later years. Parents who set good examples instill kindly patterns within their children. When the woman fulfills her strī dharma properly and gives her prāṇa, love and attention fully to her husband, he is inspired to give back to her ten-fold, and all flourish. By focusing her energies within her family, a great spiritual vibration is built up in the home. This means she is careful and conservative with her prāṇas. For example, she stays in the home most of the time. As a rule, she never goes out alone, but always with a companion, generally her husband, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, mother, daughter, sister or another lady close to the family, or among a group of both men and women. She is a paradigm of modesty: wearing longer-sleeved blouses, sārīs that conceal the navel, covering her head when approaching the Deity or holy men, and not raising hands in namaskāra above the head during āratī. As stated in sūtra 92, women associate with women. Conversations with males should not be excessive, and all intimate exchange of energies is strictly avoided. Men heed the same wisdom, as explained in sūtra 81. The wife is to her husband as a minister to a king, a mother to a child, a friend to a friend. It is her duty to make him strong. §
The Balance Of Prāṇas in The Home§
284 ¶In fulfilling his purusha dharma, the husband gives his prāṇa, love and loyalty to his family and to the community through his service. He never, ever raises his voice in the home, nor does he show anger in any way. His is the model for the entire family. What he does, how he behaves and what he says is his legacy of fulfillment of purusha dharma, and the entire 365 Nandinātha Sūtras. For if he does not fulfill them all, who then will? By his words and actions he gives permission for every member of the family to do likewise, now or in the future. When his sons come of age, they join their prāṇas with his, and as a result the family, the community and the country flourish. So it is that the perfect pattern continues to grow and grow and grow, guided by the wise male elders. §
Family Demise From Women Leaving Home§
285 ¶Fifty or sixty years ago families were stable because the man was the head of the family and the wife stayed home and raised the children. She helped support the family by being frugal, and by gardening, sewing, and making sure the children had chores to do as well. After the first and second world wars, the women went to work outside the home. They became their husband’s partners rather than wives, society broke down and women took over as head of the family. Our extended-family system has effected social change to begin reversing this trend through educational programs and, most importantly, living examples. §
Protocols to Guard Home Sanctity§
286 ¶Our great Śaiva culture provides protocol for family life that sustains the harmonious balance of force within the home. Each home shrine is like a temple, clean and beautiful. Each wife serves her husband faithfully, arising before him each morning to ready the shrine and prepare his morning beverage. At mealtimes, she observes the tradition of serving her husband and family first. As said in sūtra 85, “Śiva’s men devotees, on arriving home from work, immediately bathe and enter their shrine for the blessings of Gods and guru to dispel worldly forces and regain the state of Śiva consciousness. Aum Namaḥ Śivāya.” Each wife greets her husband at the entrance and performs a rite of purification and welcome, offering āratī to cleanse his aura. These customs are vital to protecting the sanctity of the home. The monastics follow a similar protocol. Its description from the Śaivite Śāstras offers valuable insights: “When they returned to the monastery, they immediately stood before the Deity to receive this special pūjā and felt their nerve system relax as they entered the monastery vibration once again. Even if the natyam and sādhaka were away from the monastery for a few hours, they always absorbed this healing reentry śakti from the Deity. This blast of psychic force into the nerve system is specially prepared by transcendental beings to wipe away any temporary worldliness from the natyam and sādhaka alike who venture out of the central darśana of the Śaivite monastery.”§
If you have doubt concerning conduct, follow the example of high souls who are competent to judge, devout, not led by others, not harsh, but lovers of virtue.§
KṚISHṆA YAJUR VEDA, TAITU 1.11.4. BO UPR, 539§
Regulating Sex During Marriage§
287 ¶“To what extent can celibacy be practiced during married life?” is a question that is sometimes asked. My general response is that one should not think of celibacy once the vivāha saṁskāra has been performed. But regulation of the sexual energies between the couple is advisable, along with regular daily sādhana, prāṇāyāma, haṭha yoga, rising before sunrise, exercise and vegetarian diet. Regulate these bodily functions to once a week, once a month, or in the extreme—as the brāhmin community is traditionally admonished—having sexual intercourse only when trying to conceive a child and then only at proper times of the year on auspicious days and at auspicious times. The brāhmins, being masters of astrology, jyotisha, could understand the depth of these commitments, and their performing pūjā within the temple daily used up or transmuted the sacred energies. Outside the traditional priesthood, regulation of the use of these energies between husband and wife should be considered valuable to health, productivity, creativity and a better life. To allow these sacred energies to run wild can cause the lower nature to come forward—giving rise to anger, jealousy, revenge, seeking for the last word in arguments, beatings with harsh words and even physical abuse, such as pinching, slaps, punching or cuffings. §
Celibacy in Latter Years Of Marriage§
288 ¶Couples should eventually observe total celibacy, but this is usually begun at 60 years of age or older, with the remarriage abhisheka and vows of celibacy. After this point they employ their time and sacred energies in religious worship, yoga, dhāraṇā, dhyāna, seeking for jñāna and their eventual moksha. Thus, married couples who have raised their family take the celibacy vow by mutual consent in the vāṇaprastha or sannyāsa āśramas, as reflected in sūtra 120: “Śiva’s followers who have raised their family may, by mutual consent and with satguru’s blessings, choose to live in celibacy, as brother and sister, and thus transmute their vital energies into the Divine. Aum Namaḥ Śivāya.” Hereafter, husband and wife sleep in separate beds, and when possible, in separate rooms. Their relationship is called ṛishidampati, “marriage of seers.” Each occasionally enjoys retreats for intensive sādhana in cloistered noncoed āśramas, during which time they release each other from the sūtra responsibility of communicating daily. Celibacy at this latter stage of life is essential for moksha, as it is the transmutation of these sacred energies into higher forms of expression that burns the last remaining seeds of prārabdha karmas (and even other karmas lying in wait to manifest in the next life) through the awakening of the kuṇḍalinī śakti.§
Life’s Four Stages of Development§
289 ¶By its recognition of the four āśramas, or stages of life, our religion bestows a unique and effective instrument for spiritual progress. These stages are the manifestation of natural law as each soul lives through each incarnation: first as brahmachārī, in a period of study and learning; then as gṛihastha into active involvement as a productive, responsible member of society; then as vāṇaprastha, with the duties of senior counselor and advisor; and finally as a renunciate in the sannyāsa āśrama, the stage of withdrawal from society to contemplation of God. Each stage should bring increasing perfection in personal discipline in fulfillment of all 365 Nandinātha Sūtras. My satguru, Sage Yogaswāmī, proclaimed, “By remaining in the maṭhams of brahmacharya, gṛihastha, vāṇaprastha and sannyāsa, we can complete the pilgrimage.” The Dravidian Śāstras give in verse 491 a unique overview of the states the soul undergoes through an incarnation. “When a soul is in a six-year-old physical body, he is in divine consciousness and in tune with the three worlds. At this time the height of Divinity is manifest through him. He only comes again into this state after the age of 54 which continues to the physical age of 72 and then again enters this stage after the age of 84 which continues on through the rest of his physical existence. From the age of 72 to the age of 84, he is able to strongly express spiritual intellect.”§
Brahmacharya, Studentship, Age 12-24§
290 ¶The first stage of life, brahmacharya āśrama, or studentship stage, corresponds roughly to ages 12 through 24, based on a foundation of training in culture and religion from the time of birth. It is the time for the acquisition of skills and knowledge that will serve in later life. It is a time to learn respect and obedience to teacher and family, loyalty to family and friends, service to humanity, proper manners, good habits, philosophy and culture. It is a time to learn the control of desires and to make a part of one’s life our basic religious principles: the yamas and niyamas, the pañcha nitya karmas and more. While still pliable, youth are molded by parents and all members of the community to a life of purpose, contribution and duty through a sound system of education. It is also the time of awakening creative faculties, enlivening spiritual aspiration and developing religious attitudes. §
To them belongs yon stainless Brahman world in whom there is no crookedness and falsehood, nor trickery.§
ATHARVA VEDA, PRASNAU 1.16. UPH, 380§
A Remedy For Troubled Youths§
291 ¶Youth who do not demonstrate the qualities of obedience, cooperation, respect and desire for learning in this āśrama are encouraged during their summers to work on farms, grow food and earn their puṇya by feeding family and society until they adjust to the cycles of life through being close to nature and quietly disciplined by nature. They can also work afternoons alongside an experienced local farmer, watching and learning the cycles of life, how things grow. After this adjustment is complete, they may enter the brahmachārī āśrama fully and begin to seek for intellectual advancement with a newfound maturity. Nature will discipline the instinctive nature, and automatically the intellectual nature begins to unfold. If they are taught dharma and a few classical yoga techniques, like haṭha yoga and simple meditation, the spiritual nature will gradually arise, and they will become useful, productive members of society. This principle is in keeping with Sage Yogaswāmī’s wise instructions to the young seekers of Sri Lanka. He sent them to Batticaloa, there to serve simply in natural surroundings at his small rural āśrama, to think of God while working in the paddy fields, learning to be summa, perfectly quiet and content within themselves. §
Gṛihastha, Householder, Age 24-48§
292 ¶The second stage, the gṛihastha āśrama, extends from age 24 to 48. In Hindu tradition it is the duty of husband and wife during their householder years to bear and raise children and to bequeath their property to them. It is their duty to support not only their own family, but the other three āśramas as well. When youthful themselves, they were supported and cared for. When they enter the last two āśramas they will again have no means of support and will rely on the support of those in the gṛihastha āśrama. Therefore, during this time of economic productivity, the family repays what they received from society as children and what they will enjoy in life’s latter stages.§
Vāṇaprastha, Elder Advisor, Age 48-72§
293 ¶Scriptures explain that once family obligations have been fulfilled and a man has seen the son of his son—or “when fifty summers have passed and the hair has turned grey”—the third stage may be entered roughly between age 48 and 72. This stage is called vāṇaprastha, literally, “forest dweller.” Traditionally, it is a period of retirement from the arena of serving family and self, a time of entering into civic or national service in a selfless spirit. The vāṇaprasthin has completed the life of personal desire and has retired from professional life to service on a broader level, and to more temple worship and extended sādhana. Simplicity, study, meditation and goodwill toward all are his hallmarks. This āśrama is a contemplative, political, advisory, service-oriented time of passing on one’s skills and knowledge to better the community. Through his inner resources the advisor, counselor or public servant is guided from the inner worlds and his own superconscious being. §
Sannyāsa, Solitaire, Age 72 Onward§
294 ¶The fourth stage, sannyāsa āśrama, is the culmination of the three previous periods of life. Religion has permeated each earlier stage, but now it becomes the central theme, life’s single purpose. As the physical forces wane, there is a natural drawing away from concerns of the world and a compelling turning toward deepening religious practices: scriptural study, worship, austerities, pilgrimage, meditation and the other disciplines of yoga. Upon reaching the sannyāsa āśrama, it is advisable to take the brahmacharya vrata if the vow was not taken at an earlier time. This period is a natural awakening, expression, maturing and withdrawal by family men from involvement in the world. Entry into this stage of life after age 72 is sometimes ritually acknowledged through the sannyāsārambha saṁskāra, but is never confused with sannyāsa dīkshā, the Śaiva swāmī’s formal initiation and holy orders of renunciate life. The extent of withdrawal in the Nandinātha Sampradāya is purely an individual matter, ranging from the retired couple who continue to live within the community as celibate couple, to total world-renunciation for the widowed, divorced or unmarried brahmachārī. Sūtra 210 indicates my edict for the latter extreme: “Śiva’s unmarried men and widowers may renounce the world after age 72, severing all ties with their community and living as unordained, self-declared sannyāsins among the holy monks of India. Aum Namaḥ Śivāya.”§
About the Following Chapter§
295 ¶The next chapter, called “personal life,” discusses some of the social issues that come under the venerable laws of dharma or which, as is so prevalent today, are left to the whims of instinctive fancy. Here I have provided bhāshyas for many of the key sūtras of Living with Śiva on these controversial areas.§