1. Parents: Look for Improvement, Not Perfection
et’s face it, perfection is an unrealistic expectation, and children would rather not try at all than experience constant discouragement because they don’t live up to an adult’s expectation of perfection—or their own. Recognition of improvement is encouraging and inspires children to continue their efforts.§
A Story from Jane Nelsen: Mrs. Goel’s son Arjuna was getting into trouble at school. His teacher was punishing him by having him write fifty sentences every time he misbehaved by talking or being disruptive. Arjuna would refuse to do the sentences—so his teacher would double the number. Mrs. Goel started lecturing and scolding him. Arjuna rebelled further by acting like he didn’t care, and that he hated school.§
Finally, during a parent-teacher conference, Mrs. Goel asked what percentage of Arjuna’s behavior was “bad.” The teacher answered, “About fifteen percent.” She was amazed to realize the negative reputation Arjuna was getting (and living up to) because more attention was being paid to his 15 percent misbehavior than to his 85 percent good behavior.§
During another conference, with Arjuna present, they all agreed that every time he was disruptive or disrespectful in class, he would make up for it by doing something to contribute, such as doing tasks for the teacher, or tutoring another student who needed help. Arjuna’s misbehavior was thus redirected into contributing behavior, and he had very few classroom problems after that.§
Working for improvement, instead of expecting perfection, this teacher began having class meetings, so problems that did occur were solved by the class as a whole. He learned that it is encouraging to children and to parents when we focus our attention on the positive rather than the negative and redirect misbehavior into productive efforts.§
Guided by Positive Discipline, these children of Mauritius are developing healthy self-esteem, competence, significance, self-control, inner security and problem-solving skills that will be the foundation for fulfilling their dharma and facing their karma all through life
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2. Use the Three Rs for Mistakes
great way to teach children that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn is to model this yourself by using the Three Rs of Recovery after you have made a mistake: 1) Recognize your mistake. 2) Reconcile. Be willing to say, “I’m sorry, I don’t like the way I handled that.” 3) Resolve. Focus on solutions rather than blame. It is much easier to take responsibility for a mistake when it is seen as a learning opportunity rather than something bad.§
If we see mistakes as bad we tend to feel inadequate and discouraged and may become defensive, evasive, judgmental or critical—of ourselves or others. On the other hand, when mistakes are seen as opportunities to learn, recognizing them will seem like an exciting venture. “I wonder what I will learn from this one.” Self-forgiveness is an important element of the first R of Recovery.§
A Story from Jane Nelsen: My signature example is the time I said to my then eight-year-old daughter, “Mary, you are a spoiled brat.” Mary, who is very familiar with the Three Rs of Recovery, retorted, “Well, don’t tell me later that you are sorry.” In total reaction, I said, “You don’t have to worry, because I’m not.” Mary ran to her bedroom and slammed the door.§
I soon reverted back to my rational brain, realized what I had done, and went to her room to apologize. She was still angry, and was not ready for an apology. She had a copy of Positive Discipline and was busy scribbling “phony” in the column.§
I left the room. I knew I had made a huge mistake. In about five minutes Mary came to me, timidly put her arms around me and said, “I’m sorry, Mama.” I said, “Honey, I’m sorry, too. In fact, when I called you a spoiled brat, I was being one. I was upset at you for losing control of your behavior, but I had lost control of my own behavior. I am so sorry.” Mary said, “That’s okay, I was acting like a brat.” I said, “Well, I can see what I did to provoke you to act that way.” Mary said, “Well, I can see what I did.”§
Puja, above, realizes that when she told her mother a lie this morning to save herself from getting in trouble, she was actually creating more trouble than the incident itself caused. After her parents guided her through the three Rs for recovering from her falsehood, Puja is confident that she will not make that mistake again!
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3. Spend Time with Your Children
ne important way to help children feel encouraged is to spend special time being with them. Have fun! One primary opportunity for cultivating closeness: when tucking children into bed, ask them to share with you their saddest time during the day and their happiest time during the day. Then you share with them. You will be surprised what you learn.§
A Story from Amala Katir: Sita didn’t realize how important one positive discipline tool had become until one night when she tucked her two girls into bed and walked out. One daughter, Ravindra, shouted, “Mom! You forgot to ask what was the saddest thing that happened today and what was the happiest thing.” Not only had their previous endless crying and getting out of bed repeatedly stopped, but these questions asked every night as a remedy had opened a wonderful new world of communication and bonding.§
Scheduled Time: One of the most encouraging things parents can do for their children is to spend regular, scheduled special time with them. You may already spend lots of time with your children. However there is a difference between “have to” time, “casual time,” and “scheduled special time.”§
There are several reasons why special time is so encouraging:§
1) Children feel a sense of connection when they can count on special time with you. They feel that they are important to you. This decreases their need to misbehave as a mistaken way to find belonging and significance.§
2) Scheduled special sharing is a reminder to you about why you had children in the first place—to enjoy them.§
3) When you are busy and your children want your attention, it is easier for them to accept that you don’t have time when you say, “Honey, I can’t right now, but I sure am looking forward to our special time at 4:30.”§
Plan the special time with your children. Up to age 6, it can be daily. From 6 to 12 it can be more occasional, even weekly. Brainstorm ahead of time a list of things you would like to do together then.§
A father in Mumbai creates a rangoli design with his daughter on Dipavali. By having fun with her, he builds a relationship of trust, affection and cooperation.
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4. Take Time for Training
he idea of setting aside time for training children is not as obvious as it may sound. Too often, adults expect children to accomplish tasks for which there has not been adequate training. This is more typical in homes than in schools. Parents may expect children to clean their rooms, without having ever shown them how. Children go into their messy rooms and feel overwhelmed. It would help if a parent said, “Put your clean clothes in your drawers and your dirty clothes in the hamper and then I’ll let you know what is next.” Next they could put their toys on the shelves or in toy boxes. To make it more fun, suggest all toys with wheels first, then toys with body parts, then toys that are animals, etc. Before long, the child has internalized the idea and learns what is expected.§
There is often a great communication gap. When Dad tells his daughter to clean up the garage, each may have very different ideas of what this means. Taking time for specific training can eliminate the misunderstanding. Taking time for training means being specific about your terms and expectations.§
Even when you do provide training, remember that children will seldom do things as well as you would like. Improvement is a life-long process. Remember too, the things you want them to do may not be a high priority for them until they become adults with children of their own to guide. We all do better at things that have a high priority in our lives. Even though cleanliness and manners may not be important for children, they still need to learn these qualities. Adults do, however, need to remember that kids are kids.§
A Story from Jane: A father of eight children complained that his son slammed the door every time he left the house. He admitted he was ready to slap the boy. The group suggested that he take his son over to the door and show him how to close it carefully—run through it a couple of times, actually train him how to close a door without slamming it. He came back to class the next week amazed—“It worked!”§
This adorable child had a habit of drawing on walls with crayons and pens! Mom and Dad tried everything, from time-outs to yelling, but nothing worked. Then Dad realized it might be a simple training problem, so they began asking her the same question every day, “What do we all write on?” and together they replied, “Paper!” Soon she learned that drawings are ONLY to be done on paper, NOT on walls.
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5. Give a Hug
n many cases adults can help children change their behavior when they stop dealing with the misbehavior and deal with the underlying cause: discouragement.§
Encouragement is providing opportunities for a child to develop the perceptions, “I’m capable, I can contribute, and I can influence what happens to me or how I respond.” Encouragement is teaching children the life skills and social responsibility they need to be successful in life and relationships. Such support can be as simple as giving them a hug to help them feel better and thus do better.§
A Story from Jane: A young father was frustrated and perplexed about the frequent temper tantrums of his four-year-old son. Scolding or punishing only increased the tantrums. The father learned in his parenting class that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child, and that encouragement is the best way to deal with misbehavior. The idea seemed backward to him—sort of like rewarding unruliness. Still, he was intrigued with the idea that children do better when they feel better. He decided to test the theory.§
The next time his son started a tantrum, the father got down on one knee and shouted above the racket, “I need a hug.” His son paused and asked through his sobs, “What?” The father shouted again, “I need a hug.” His son stopped sobbing long enough to ask incredulously, “Now?!?” The father said, “Yes, now.” The son seemed totally bewildered, but he stopped his temper tantrum and said somewhat begrudgingly, “Okay.” Then he stiffly gave his father a hug. Soon the stiffness disappeared and they melted into each other’s arms. After a few moments the father said, “Thanks, I needed that.” His son said, with a small tremor on his lips, “So did I.”§
Remember timing. Sometimes hugs don’t work because the child is too upset to give or receive a hug or any kind of encouragement. You can still try. If the child is unwilling, you can say, “I sure would like a hug whenever you are ready,” and then leave the area. Parents report that when they try this, the child usually comes after them right away wanting a hug.§
Ashwin was playing in the rain and ignored his mother’s call to come inside. He was peeved, and Mom was growing impatient and went out to fetch him. She surprised her son by saying she was really hot and needed a wet hug. They both laughed as he tried to smother her in hugs and kisses. Next time he will want to please Mom.
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6. Give Encouragement Freely
se encouragement to help children develop a sense of belonging, security, love and acceptance. They misbehave because they don’t feel this belonging. Celebrate each step in the direction of improvement (rather than focusing on mistakes). Give positive feedback at every opportunity. Communication is important. Don’t assume the child knows you love and care about him or that you are pleased when he does something right. You need to express these feelings.§
A Story from Kavita: Priya was working hard one night studying for her exams. Actually, she had been working hard every day and night for the last year and she was completely exhausted. It seemed as though her mind couldn’t retain one more word! At the age of seventeen she knew that her parents loved her—well, at least until the exam, she thought to herself. Mom and Dad wanted her to be in the top ten in her class, so she would get into the best university. They told her it was for her own good, for her future, but the pressure of it all made her feel that she would lose everything if she didn’t come out with the perfect score. If she didn’t, would her parents still beam when they looked at her? Probably not. She had to earn their love or she would lose it, she said again to herself as she re-opened her English book.§
Hours later she was awakened with a soft touch. She found herself face down on her book. She must have fallen asleep. Confused, she looked up to see both her parents standing by her side. Her father gathered her into his arms as if she were five again and sat on her bed, her mother following. She felt so safe, and in gentle voices her parents reassured her that they would always be her refuge. She was trying her best, and no matter what the outcome of the exam, they would support and help her. Tears rolled down Priya’s eyes and she felt more determined than ever, feeling a new strength surging through her. Even young adults need encouragement to face life’s challenges.§
Basanti had the habit of putting her school work off until the last minute. One day her parents took her out for a milkshake, and had her look around at the people and consider their many walks of life. They explained that, through her schooling, she has the power to open many doors for her future. Since then, with the strong support of her family, she spends long hours studying—knowing that failure is okay, but not trying is unacceptable.
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7. Establish Routine Charts
he more children do for themselves, the more capable and encouraged they feel. One of the best ways to avoid bedtime hassles and morning hassles is to get children involved in creating routine charts. Start by having your child make a list of all the things she needs to do before going to bed. The list might include: pick up toys, snack, bath, jammies, brush teeth, choose clothes for the next morning, bedtime story and hugs. Copy (or when children are old enough let them copy) all the items onto a chart. Then hang the chart on a wall where she can reach it. Let the routine chart be the boss. Instead of telling your child what to do, ask, “What is next on your routine chart?” Often, she will tell you without your asking.§
Remember, the goal is to help children feel capable and encouraged. A nice fringe benefit is that you will be able to stop nagging and will experience more peaceful bedtimes and mornings.§
A Story from Kavita: Aruna, an only child, was always around grown-ups, so she thought she was all grown up, too. When it was time to get ready for bed, she always insisted on staying up like Mom and Dad. The six-year-old would hold on to the sofa and scream until she got her way. As a result, she had difficulty waking up in the morning for school and sometimes even fell asleep at her desk. All this left her moody and irritable.§
One day Mom read about routine charts, and their wonderful potential to make children happier and healthier. When Aruna came home from school the next day, Mom had big white paper with color pens, glitter and cut outs all over the kitchen table. Of course, Aruna wanted to help! Before long, to her own amazement, she had created a fun-looking bedtime chart! She couldn’t wait to start putting the gold stars in the squares.§
Mom told her that when the small hand on the clock reached the 8, she could start following the chart. It was so much fun that she actually looked forward to getting ready for bed. By the time the newness wore out and she was no longer impressed by the chart, she had developed a strong routine and bedtime was no longer a hassle.§
Like Aruna in the story, Jayendra loves his routine chart. Completing it each day makes him feel competent and independent.
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8. Focus on Solutions
et children involved in finding solutions to the cause of their misbehavior or mistake that are 1) related, 2) respectful, 3) reasonable and 4) helpful (the “three Rs and an H”).§
Making amends is a solution that is encouraging when used in a non-punitive manner, because children experience the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and correct any resulting problems. Making amends is encouraging because children learn they can be responsible and accountable for their behavior without fear of blame, shame and pain.§
It is sad that some adults think it is more important for children to feel blame, shame and pain for what they have done than to make amends and experience encouragement that will motivate them to stop misbehaving. It is important to note that children do not get away with misbehavior when they are encouraged to make amends. They learn to be accountable, while keeping their dignity and respect intact.§
For example, when your daughter bops a baseball through the garage window and together you decide that the solution is to fix the window (with materials purchased with her allowance), you have arrived at a solution that is related, respectful, reasonable and helpful. So long as you stay out of a blaming mode and see the mistake as an opportunity to learn, you have practiced problem-solving skills and respect with your child, and you have enjoyed some quality time together. When focusing on solutions, one life skill that is often needed is calling for a cooling off period (see strategy 9).§
A Story from Jane: Ravindra, the custodian in an elementary school, caught five students defacing classroom doors. He spoke to them respectfully and together they decided they would make amends by helping him repaint the doors. He was so understanding that he inspired the boys to take pride in their work and to discourage other children from vandalizing. He had successfully used three Positive Discipline tools: 1) focusing on solutions, 2) creating a connection before correction and 3) redirecting the misbehavior.§
After finding a way for Anjali to participate in the daily puja, the Gowda family was amazed to witness an immediate change in her demeanor. Being the middle child, she needs a little extra responsibility to feel that she is an important member of the family.
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9. Cool Off Before Solving a Problem
n coping with tough situations, proper timing will improve your effectiveness tenfold. It does not work to deal with a problem at the time of conflict. Emotions get in the way. Thus, it is important to understand and to teach children that, in most cases, a cooling off period is necessary before seeking a solution. Since it is difficult to focus on solutions when we are upset and responding from our irrational brain, where the options are fight or flight, it is helpful to wait until we have calmed down and can access our rational brains. I call this positive time out.§
How do you teach children about cooling-off periods? By example and repetition. You (or the children) can go to a separate room and do something to make yourself feel better, and then work on the problem with mutual respect. “I think we are both too upset to discuss this now, but I would like to get together with you when we have had time to cool off.” Another approach might be, “What would help you the most right now—to take some positive time out, or to put this problem on the meeting agenda so we can get some help from the whole family later?”§
Have your children help you design a pleasant area (with cushions, books, music, stuffed animals) where they can go to calm down when they are upset. Remember that children do better when they feel better.§
A Story from Kavita: “I can’t believe what just happened!” Roshan’s father stammered. “I can’t even think straight, I’m so mad! You need to go upstairs. I need to calm down.” Roshan, age 6, ran to his favorite time-out spot and hurled his body on the cushions. His father, fraught with anger, went into his study and shut the door, struggling to regain his composure. Both gradually felt better as, in their own worlds, they were able to calm their breaths and maybe punch a couple of cushions. After 15 minutes, young Roshan was quietly playing with his favorite toy car. Downstairs his father had turned his attention to today’s newspaper and was reading an article. When he saw the time, he walked up the stairs, tussled Roshan’s hair and sat on the floor next to him, eye level. Now the time was right for solving the problem.§
Little Deepa has been overcome with emotion. Mom knows this is not the time to sort out the problems that caused the upset, and arranges for her daughter to cool off in their agreed-upon place.
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10. Connection Before Correction
aking a connection means creating a feeling of closeness and trust before using any of the many respectful and encouraging corrective methods suggested in the Positive Discipline books. Whenever possible, correction includes involving children in focusing on solutions instead of punishing them for mistakes. Effective connections are made when both child and adult feel belonging and significance–even though it is the adult who takes the first steps. Some of these steps to connection are: 1) Listen. Really listen. Stop doing whatever you are doing and give your child your full attention. 2) Validate your child’s feelings. Don’t we all feel connected when we feel understood? 3) Share your feelings when appropriate. Remember that children will listen to you AFTER they feel listened to. Children feel special when you respectfully share something about yourself. (Respectfully means no stories about “walking miles in the snow.”)§
It is important to understand that correction the Positive Discipline way is different from conventional correction. Positive Discipline correction respectfully involves children—whenever possible, doing things with them.§
A Story from Kavita: Davishan, age 16, was a natural athlete. His parents enjoyed his enthusiasm and encouraged him to channel his energies into sports. The only problem was the level of competition. Davishan was starting to lose the enjoyment of striving by channeling all of his thoughts toward winning. He became distraught for days on end if he did not win.§
Calling for a quiet time one afternoon, the father looked his son straight in the eyes with such love and respect that Davishan turned away. After some time, he asked the boy questions about competing and listened to every word the boy had to say. Davishan was afraid his father would stop him from competing. So, he was taken completely by surprise when he asked what Davishan thought they should do to improve his frame of the mind when he lost a game. Davishan offered that he could work more on excelling and helping his teammates than on winning. Dad liked that, and added that they could work through it together. Only if that did not resolve the behavior problems would they need to consider alternatives.§
Kavita has a correction to make, but is wise enough to first give Dipanjali her full love and attention, and to listen to her daughter’s side before warning her about the dangers of being alone. Dipanjali, feeling very grown up at age 10, had walked back from her girlfriend’s house unaccompanied in the dark.
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11. Ask Curiosity Questions
oo often adults tell children what happened, what caused it to happen, how the child should feel about it, what the child should learn from it, and what the child should do about it. It is much more respectful and encouraging when we ask what happened, what the child thinks caused it, how the child feels about it, what the child has learned, what ideas the child has to solve the problem, or how the child can use what she has learned in the future. This is the true meaning of education, which comes from the Latin word educare, which means “to draw forth.” Too often, adults try to “stuff in,” instead of draw forth, and then wonder why children don’t learn.§
One way to get the child engaged is to ask questions that arouse their curiosity. A few typical curiosity questions are:§
- What were you trying to accomplish?
- How do you feel about what happened?
- What did you learn from this?
- How can you use what you learned in the future?
- What ideas do you have for solutions now?
A Story from Jane: One of my favorite examples is the time my daughter shared with me her intention to get drunk at a party. I gulped and said, “Tell me more. Why are you thinking of doing that?” She said, “Lots of kids do it and it looks like they are having fun.” I stifled my temptation to lecture and asked, “What do your friends say about you now, knowing you don’t drink?” She thought about this and said, “They are always telling me how much they admire me and how proud they are of me.” I continued, “What will they think after you get drunk?” I could see her think before she offered, “I’ll bet they’ll be disappointed.” I followed with, “How do you think you’ll feel about yourself.” I could tell this question made her think a little deeper. She paused a little longer before saying, “I will probably feel like a loser.” This was soon followed by, “You know, Mom, I don’t need to get drunk. Thank you for taking the time to help me with this.”§
Asking the right questions about a sensitive issue can bring mother and daughter closer together. It is good to remember that a child’s relationship with the parents can profoundly affect his or her decision-making patterns.
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12. Prepare Kids for Success
f you plan to bring your child to the store, a movie, or on any outing, be sure to have a conversation beforehand about the needful behavior of the day. If children know beforehand, it gives you more freedom later to explain consequences and respect. Otherwise, they can simply and truthfully tell you they didn’t know any better. Respecting our children creates respect in all aspects. For example, let them know that they can choose only one treat at the store and if they ask for a second treat, the first treat will be put back on the shelf. This limits argument in public places, which often creates frustration in the parent, leading to incidents that are embarassing and hurtful to all involved.§
Story: Every Sunday the Ramdoo family go to the temple for Ganesha puja. Mr. and Mrs. Ramdoo always take a little time to tell Siven, (age 7) and Purna (age 5) that the temple is a special place and to remind them of the expected behaviors inside the temple walls. During their family meeting, they let the children write out a list of things that are OK to do and things that are not OK. Then they have the children write down a list of things they could do during the puja that would help them to sit quietly. One Sunday, Purna decided to bring her favorite doll to hold, and Siven brought his favorite toy car. He learned in advance that he could not push the car on the floor but he could hold it in his lap and play with the tires. Because it was Chaturthi, Siven and Purna also decided to each make five drawings for Ganesha as a gift to Him on His special day.§
The family agreed on certain hand signals (not threatening looks) to let the children know without words if their actions were appropriate or not. There were signals of encouragement that made their faces light up! And there was a gesture that warned them that if unacceptable behavior persisted there would be consequences. That was also agreed upon at the family meeting.§
TEXT & STORY BY KAVITA MARDEMOOTOO§
The twins in the photo are showing the famous thumbs up sign of encouragement that many parents use when children are following the ground rules. Hand signals empower you, the parent, to privately guide behavior in public situations. Be careful not to point fingers at each other, for that is a threatening gesture that is counter to Positive Discipline.
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13. Try Limiting the Choices
ne of the easiest and yet most powerful tools of Positive Discipline is “Limited Choices.” You can actually guide your children through their younger years by letting them make choices for themselves, so that they build character and individuality, while still retaining parental control of the situation.§
Try putting two children in a candy store and asking them to choose just one treat! They are overwhelmed by the options. Each watches to see who got the best or bigger treat, and it ends up being a competition, instead of a simple candy treat.§
Now try it with “Limited Choices.” Tell the children that each may choose two pieces each of two types of candy, one piece for themself and the other for the sibling. You have let them choose their own, but you have reduced the choices from 50 to two, and you have avoided the competition—all in one sentence. They each end up with four pieces of the same candies.§
This strategy can work for just about everything: “Would you like to ring the bell or decorate with the flowers for this morning’s puja?” “Would you prefer a glass of water or a glass of juice?” Avoid asking, “What would you like to wear?” “What would you like to drink?” Such questions invite conflict because the child may say something that you do not agree with.§
Story: Before each family dinner or outing, Anuradha chose the appropriate outfit for her son and daughter. She would set out the clothes on the children’s bed and inevitably face a storm of protest. One of them almost always ended up crying. One day Anuradha was choosing her own outfit for an important dinner. She asked her husband what he liked. He surprised her by picking out two outfits, then saying that she should make the final decision. She quickly picked her favorite and saw how easy he had made it for her. She realized in that moment that she was frustrating her children by not respecting them enough to let them have a say in their choice of clothes. Soon after, while preparing to go to their cousin’s house, she laid out three good choices for each child and left the room. No arguing, no tears!§
TEXT AND STORY BY KAVITA MARDEMOOTOO§
Kovishan couldn’t make up his mind which film to watch one evening. When mom asked him to choose between just two films, he was able to decide!
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14. Hold Weekly Family Meetings
aving weekly family meetings is an important key to creating a loving, respectful atmosphere in the home while helping children develop self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and problem-solving skills.§
One of the activities is solving problems with cooperation and mutual respect. Solutions must be agreed upon by consensus. A majority vote in a family meeting would accentuate a family division. Convey an attitude of faith in your family that you can work together to find unanimous solutions that are related, respectful, reasonable and helpful.§
Planning weekly family fun activities and other events is an important part of family meetings. Family members are more willing to cooperate when they have participated equally in planning events they will all enjoy. Also discuss chores at a family meeting so that children can help solve the problems of getting them done. They are more cooperative when they can voice their feelings and be part of the planning and choosing.§
Choose a chairperson. Children love to be the chairperson and can do a very good job after they reach the age of four or five. This job should rotate. The chairperson calls the meeting to order, starts the group sharing of compliments, begins the problem-solving sessions, and sends the “talking stick” around the circle, which gives everyone a turn to voice an opinion or make a suggestion.§
The job of secretary should also rotate among members of the family who are able to write. The secretary keeps notes of problems discussed and decisions made. Family meetings should include a review of the next week’s activities. This is especially important as the children grow older and become involved in many activities, such as babysitting, sports, dates, lessons and so on. Coordinating the calendar for car use and mutual convenience can be essential. Family meetings should not end without planning a family fun activity during the coming week.§
End the meeting by doing something together as a family. You might want to play a game together, popcorn or take turns making and serving desserts. Do not watch TV unless there is a program that the whole family looks forward to. If you do watch a program, be sure to end by turning off the TV and having a family discussion about what values (or lack thereof) were portrayed, and how this might apply in your lives.§
A Story from Kavita: The Peruman family had four children, ages 2, 4, 10 and 12. Family meetings were always getting interrupted by two-year-old Vijay. He would scream at the top of his lungs and throw toys at the table. The other siblings rolled their eyes as Mother spent most of the meeting time coping with him. Finally, Father asked them for ideas on what to do about Vijay. “Put him in his room!” “Let him cry,” “Don’t give him any dinner!” came the responses. Mr. Peruman asked them to calm down and think about why Vijay was acting up. Little Anjali (age four) surprised them all by saying, “He just wants to be like us.” At that, the others sprang from their chairs, grabbed their little brother with hugs and kisses, put cushions on a big kitchen chair, and placed him there, with everyone, at the table. Enjoying his beaming smile, they gave him a pen and paper, like they each had, and told him to choose the next person to share, while he could take notes (scribbles). As the official co-chairperson at all family meetings, Vijay fit in perfectly.§
Young Kishore and Chandi both look forward to family meetings as a time to be heard, to create new rules that improve life, enjoy the family and talk about any problems that occurred the previous week
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