CHAPTER 2: AFFIRMATION§
Manu Learns Confidence§
Arpana burst into Manu’s room and shook his bed. “This is it! We’re 16!” §
“Don’t you ever knock?” a drowsy Manu asked his twin sister. “So what about being 16? Birthday parties are for children. We’re not little kids anymore.”§
“Wow, you’re still asleep! We get our driving permits today!”§
He sat up. “Oh, right! I can’t believe I forgot. What time is it?”§
“Already 7:30. They open at 8:00.”§
The twins rushed downstairs to find Mom and Dad having breakfast. Neither parent had forgotten what today meant. A “Happy Birthday to you both” from Dad was followed by a whispered aside to Mom, “Here we go….” §
“If we leave right now, we can be first in line,” Arpana said excitedly. §
“I think we’ll leave after we all finish breakfast and have a birthday blessing in the shrine room, if you don’t mind,” said Dad with an affectionate smile. §
He had bravely agreed to teach the twins to drive, a task sufficient to make a nervous wreck of any father—even with just one teen, let alone two. But he had faced everything else about their growing up as a pair, so why not this? The twins were enrolled in driver’s education at school, as well as a driver training course—state law required both—so the task did not fall solely on him. He knew there would be difficult moments in the months ahead. But at least this wasn’t India, with its unique driving customs! Even he didn’t drive back home. §
The first step was simple. They were in and out of the New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission office in Edison in less than an hour, both acing the written test. They walked out with huge smiles, permits in hand; a passerby might think they just graduated from Harvard.§
“Did you pass?” Mom called out when the trio arrived home. §
“Of course!” announced Manu with a triumphant air.§
“So, when did Dad say you could start driving?” Mom queried.§
“Tomorrow. And he wants us to practice in an empty parking lot first. I don’t know why we can’t just go now; I’m ready,” Manu complained. He was restless all day. The next morning it was he who woke his sister.§
Dad watched them gobble up breakfast. He was nearly as anxious as they were. Sure, this would be their first time driving, but it was also his first time teaching it. He wasn’t sure how that would go. When they arrived in the mall’s vast empty lot, Dad challenged, “Who’s first?”§
“After you, Little Sister,” Manu replied coyly. All of four minutes older, he enjoyed referring to his “seniority,” although neither really cared. Besides, he was confident she would be nervous and want to stop right away. He was pretty sure she would have trouble with the stick shift, since she wasn’t the most coordinated person with machines. In their driver training class they would be using an automatic, but last year Dad had gotten a good deal on their 2005 Audi A3 Sportback with a six-speed manual gearbox—a nice car with decent fuel economy.§
Manu’s low expectations of Arpana’s driving skills proved to be unfounded. He was astonished when she got through the first task like it was nothing. It sounded simple: engage the clutch, put the car in first gear, disengage the clutch, drive a few feet, engage the clutch and shift to second, disengage the clutch, drive a few more feet, engage the clutch and use the brake to stop. She did it three times in a row without stalling, and there were only a couple tiny jerks from over-revving the engine.§
Manu’s turn didn’t go as he had imagined. He put the car in gear, popped the clutch and promptly killed the engine. “Umm, don’t do that,” cautioned Dad, trying to hide a grimace. No doubt the Audi was a sturdy car, but he couldn’t bear it taking such rough treatment.§
“Let the clutch out slowly. There is a point where you will feel it start to grab. Press the gas a bit and go.”§
Same result.§
At least on the third attempt he didn’t stall it. Instead the Audi leapt ahead like a rabbit. Too much gas! Manu panicked and slammed on the brake. The car stopped abruptly with a short but emphatic screech of rubber on pavement, again killing the engine.§
Arpana giggled from the back seat. Dad shot her a stern look and she quieted down—until a few minutes later when Manu still couldn’t get the timing right. It was either jerk ahead, or stall, or some combination of both. §
Eventually Manu improved and it was Arpana’s turn again. This time Dad introduced some steering, a full circle in the empty lot, again first to second gear. §
“I want you to look at the yellow lines that define the parking spaces. We will pretend they are streets. You can drive down them, staying between the lines. Then we’ll circle around.”§
Arpana was a natural, driving around several times with ease.§
Between turns, Dad had them shut the engine off and apply the parking brake. He wanted to simulate real conditions as much as possible. When it was Manu’s turn, he was so nervous he stalled the car again, this time because he didn’t release the parking brake. After one try, Dad gently touched his shoulder and pointed to the brake handle.§
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Manu mumbled.§
“Because you have to remember. Don’t worry, I have made that mistake, too,” Dad consoled. “I want you to experience it and figure it out for yourself.”§
Arpana kept silent this time.§
The rest of the lesson did not go well for Manu, especially the unavoidable comparison with his sister. He was sullen when they arrived home.§
“How did it go?” Mom inquired cheerfully.§
“Terrible!” snapped Manu as he slunk off to his room in defeat. “I’ll never get it!”§
Mom turned to Dad. “That bad?” §
“He’s having trouble with the stick shift. We’ll see how the next lesson goes.”§
But the next week was not much better. Manu was embarrassed by his inability to get the hang of the stick shift, compared with his sister’s obvious knack for driving. Even worse was her sympathetic attitude, which only annoyed him. §
After another unproductive driving lesson, Arpana tried to comfort him. “I remember when Mom was trying to teach us to tie our shoes. You figured it out way before I did. Then you helped me, and I learned it quickly. You were a better teacher than Mom.”§
He snapped, “So now you’re saying you should be teaching me? Thanks, but no thanks! I’ll stick with Dad!” §
“No, that’s not what I meant at all, Manu. I’m just saying we’re different.” But her well-meaning tries to explain were in vain. §
Manu appreciated her effort, even though he couldn’t bring himself to say so. Normally he and Arpana had fewer disagreements and confrontations than other siblings. That was part of their twin bond. (They had even shared a secret language when they were little.) Also, their parents had raised them to not compete with each other, but to be proud of their individual strengths. “Cooperation over competition” was the family creed. Manu was having trouble upholding that ideal. §
If Arpana was being mean to him, he could always subtly retaliate—stopping just short of causing Mom or Dad to step in. But for this outpouring of sisterly sympathy, there was nothing he could do. It wasn’t like he should expect her to do poorly on purpose, just so he could feel better about himself.§
By the third lesson, it was obvious Manu was experiencing a serious mental block, a combination of embarrassment at his lack of innate driving skill and the painful comparison with his sister. Dad even wondered at times whether Manu would ever learn to drive. §
Dad was frustrated, but he wasn’t ready to stop trying. He had other methods to use. One evening he sat Manu down in the den. “Tonight we’re going to have a driving lesson here at home.”§
“How’s that supposed to work? Some kind of video game? We’re going to play Mario Kart together?” Manu’s sarcasm came through loud and clear. §
“No, no. Remember Gurudeva’s book, The Power of Affirmation?”§
“Yes … vaguely. We talked about it when you were teaching me to keep my room clean. §
“And it worked, right?”§
“It sure did.”§
“I think we can apply the same principles to your driving. The central idea is to repeat a statement, such as ‘I can, I will, I am able to learn to drive a car,’ over and over again while clearly visualizing yourself driving the car well and feeling just how that would feel. Let’s try it.”§
They sat side by side, just like they were in the car, and Dad said, “Now reach for the shift stick, push the clutch in and put the car in first gear.”§
“This is silly.”§
“Just try it. You have to believe you are in the car, even hear the engine running and feel it move. Remember, at first you didn’t think affirmations would help you keep your room clean either.”§
“OK, I’ll try it.”§
Manu went through the motions of putting the car in gear.§
“Oops, I stalled it,” he said, smiling. §
Dad chuckled. “That’s good actually, because you’re visualizing strongly. Try again; see yourself doing it right, tell yourself in your mind, ‘I can, I will, I am able’ over and over.”§
Manu closed his eyes and tried again.§
“I think I’m getting it!”§
“OK, now practice this on your own, ten minutes every night this week. You know, this method of affirmation and visualization has been tested on basketball players. It was shown to be effective in improving their aim with the ball even when it was done entirely in their mind. Most do it just before every free throw. Watch closely sometime, and you can observe them doing the visualization.”§
“Really? I didn’t know that.”§
“And remember, there’s a second, equally important part of affirmation. In addition to visualizing the exact motor skills you will use, you must experience being confident about driving. See yourself going down the highway at sixty miles an hour, smoothly changing lanes, merging easily into traffic, downshifting for the off ramp. You are an expert driver, the one who can, who will, who is able to master every aspect of driving. Watch me, if you like, when we’re going someplace—try to tune into my confidence while driving. Get that feeling and make it your own. Right now your subconscious mind is saying, ‘I can’t drive.’ We are going to reprogram it to say, ‘I’m a great driver.’ It’ just like rewriting a computer program.”§
“I still don’t understand how it works.”§
“The subconscious mind—that’s the part that remembers everything that’s ever happened to us—is sometimes a bit uncooperative. If it thinks, ‘I can’t do this, because I tried and failed once already,’ then sure enough, you won’t be able to do it—in this case, learn to drive. But you can convince your subconscious that you can do it by telling it over and over, with conviction, “I can, I will, I am able.’ Eventually the mind is reprogrammed from ‘I can’t’ to ‘I can,’ and you’re off and running—or, in this case, driving.”§
To reduce Manu’s stress level, Dad started giving the twins driving lessons separately and no longer talked about driving when they were all together. He took Manu out twice as often, but never mentioned that—not at the dinner table or anywhere else. Soon Manu started showing progress.§
Around the sixth week of practice, though, he seemed to level off and seemed less confident as when he first started the affirmations.§
“Are you still doing the affirmations?” Dad asked.§
“Sort of, part of the time.”§
“You have to do it every day for ten minutes, visualizing the next part of our lessons, telling yourself hundreds of times, ‘I can, I will, I am able,’ feeling yourself confident about driving. I’ve never told you this, but I used this same affirmation when I first got a job at the IBM factory. It was really complicated work, and I was afraid I would get fired. But I kept my confidence up with the affirmation and furiously studied the equipment manuals off hours. I just barely managed to keep up with the long-time employees, but I did it.”§
Manu stared, as if he was seeing his dad through new eyes. “Wow, you never told me that. I always assumed things came easy for you.”§
“That’s the way you’re supposed to think about your dad when you’re little. But now you’re sixteen, and you’re finding that not everything in life comes easy. Not for you, not for me, not for anyone. And sometimes, yes, you’ll encounter something you simply can’t do, even with a lot of effort and determination. But you can drive. I’m sure of that.”§
One day after a lesson—a day when Manu didn’t look frustrated—Mom decided to ask again. “So, how’s it going, Son?” §
“It’s better now, Mom. Dad is so patient with me, like he’ll spend whatever time is required until I get it. I appreciate that. Did he tell you how I’m using affirmations?”§
“Yes, he did. I’ve used them, too. They really work well if you can visualize the outcome strongly enough, really feel it. It’s kind of like the difference between casually saying, “Thanks,” compared to looking in someone’s eyes and saying, “Thank you so much,” with real intent. There’s about ten times as much emotional force in one way over the other. Then the message actually sinks in, that I really am thankful and not just saying thanks to be polite. With a statement like that, it’s one person to another, but with an affirmation it’s you relating to a different part of yourself.” §
“Thanks, Mom. That’s cool. Hey, pretty soon I’ll be able to drive when we go shopping.” §
By the time the twins turned seventeen and could take the road test for their probationary license, Manu had caught up with Arpana in basic driving skills. Dad let one or the other drive almost all the time now, being careful to have them take turns. Whenever they went anywhere, one would drive there and the other would drive home. The twins thought of it as a favor, but actually it was a continuation of driver training. Dad watched carefully how they dealt with each new traffic situation. They played a game of watching other drivers for errors, like not signaling—an important part of the safety strategy called “defensive driving.” Dad’s trust in them made them more confident. He knew a nervous driver is a dangerous one.§
When they returned home from taking the road test at the DMV on their seventeenth birthday, Mom met them at the door. She didn’t need to ask how they had done—their grins gave it away. §
“I think Dad should take us all out to dinner at that new vegetarian restaurant to celebrate,” she announced, having caught a contagious smile. §
“I’m driving!” Manu shouted. §
“Can we take the car to school on Monday?” Arpana pleaded.§
Mom and Dad had seen this coming.§
“No way!” they exclaimed in unison.§