CHAPTER 7: PROFICIENCY IN CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Little Miss Gandhi
“No, he didn’t! It’s for both of us,” cried Nandi as he grabbed the Pictionary game from his sister’s hands.§
“Mom!” yelled Amala, “Nandi’s trying to take my games again!”§
Hearing the fight from the kitchen, Mom sighed, knowing it heralded the next phase in her children’s relationship. Nandi had just turned six. Until recently, he had adored his older sister, now ten, and did anything she asked. Everything had been so peaceful. But now Nandi wanted to have his own way.§
Mom walked over to their room and asked calmly, “OK, what’s going on?” §
Nandi complained, “Amala is so selfish and mean. She won’t let me play with the game Dad just bought.”§
“You are too young to play this game,” Amala argued. “And you already have lots of games. Every time I get something new, you want to play with it first. Well, not this time! My friend Shama is coming in an hour and we’re going to play Pictionary—which requires at least two players, by the way.” Amala planted her feet, crossed her arms and scowled at her little brother.§
Nandi scowled right back, and Mom almost laughed at the two of them facing off like miniature warriors. But she knew this was serious business in their world. §
She and Dad had read up on sibling fights. They learned that it isn’t a good idea to settle the children’s fights for them. The better approach is to teach them how to resolve their conflicts themselves. Of course, this would be no easy task. In fact, they could expect to spend the next 10 to 15 years working at it, one fight at a time.§
Amala glared defiantly at Mom, “Why does he always want to take my best games and toys? Anyway, it says on the box ‘eight-year-olds and above.’ He’s too young for this game.”§
“Am not! I can play your stupid game! You’re just selfish and mean!”§
Mom stepped in. “Nandi, what did Amala say?”§
“She never lets me play with any of her toys!”§
“OK, but I asked you what exactly Amala said.”§
Nandi thought for a minute and then remembered, “She said that the game was not for someone my age.”§
“What else?”§
“That I take her toys a lot and that she wants to play this game with Shama in an hour.”§
“OK, and what did we say last week about name-calling?”§
Nandi thought for a minute, then handed the game back to his sister.§
“Alright, I take back calling her selfish and mean.”§
“OK,” offered Amala as she took the game back, “I’ll share it with you, after I play with Shama. But if it’s too hard for you, then don’t keep taking it.”§
That evening after dinner, Mom sat down with Nandi and Amala, hoping they had calmed down. “I want to talk about the fight you had this morning.”§
“Why, am I getting a time-out for it?” asked Nandi nervously.§
“No, you are not. I want to help you understand how to settle your own fights, without me or Dad stepping in. It’s called conflict resolution.”§
“What does that mean?” Nandi wanted to know.§
“Conflict means fighting, and conflict resolution means to stop fighting by solving the problem. The best way to settle a fight is by negotiation, not by force and certainly not by arguing.”§
“What’s negotion?” §
“Nuh-go-she-ay-shun. It means talking calmly about the problem until you find a solution both can agree on. The first step is to understand what the other person is saying.”§
“That’s why you made me repeat what Amala said about the Pictionary?”§
“Exactly. You’re getting the idea. During a fight, people don’t listen to each other. If they did, they would find solutions more quickly. Amala wanted to play the game first with her friend. That was important to her. So, you could have said, ‘Amala I know you want to play the game with Shama, but can I play it after you are done?’ And that did turn out to be the solution.”§
“It worked this time, but what happens if we can’t agree?” challenged Amala.§
“Then you can seek mediation. That is having someone else, like me, step in to help find a solution that you both agree on.”§
“What if we don’t like your solution?”§
Mom smiled. “That’s why you should learn to settle your own problems! Now both of you wash your plates; and, Amala, go do your homework.”§
Later that night, Mom was telling Dad about that discussion. From the adjacent room, the children could hear bits of the conversation. The subject soon turned to purchasing a second car, something Mom had been wanting for a whole year.§
“Why do you want a second car? What’s wrong with sharing the one we have?” Dad sounded a little upset.§
“Because most of the time, you are using it. And I have so many errands to do and places to take the kids, especially as Nandi gets older. I need a car for myself!”§
Suddenly there was a pause, and Dad repeated Mom’s reasons for wanting a car. Then Mom repeated what Dad said about not needing one.§
Nandi whispered to Amala, “Sounds like they are doing negotiation.”§
Amala corrected him, “Silly, no one says ‘doing negotiation.’ The verb form of negotiation is negotiating. They are negotiating.”§
Nandi looked at her admiringly. “Gosh, you sure know a lot.”§
Amala frowned. “They have been talking for a long time. Maybe we should mediate.”§
Nandi said solemnly, “I don’t think so. Grown-ups can be strange. They may not like us kids saying anything, even if we could solve their problem.”§
Amala realized that there was some logic to that. “You’re right, Nandi. Let’s stay out of it.” §
Just as they decided not to try to help, they realized that Mom and Dad had arrived at a solution. Dad summarized, “So, we both agree that we will buy a second car after we finish paying the installments for the Dodge. Right?”§
Mom answered, “Right, Dear.”§
Over the years many opportunities arose for negotiation between Amala and Nandi, and they got surprisingly good at it. In fact, they helped settle disputes between their friends so often that Mom joked that they were running a peer counseling service.§
Amala and Nandi also discovered as they grew older that the stakes got higher in the disputes. What was once an argument over a toy was now one over hurt feelings or unfounded rumors. The biggest test for Amala came in 11th grade. One day at school, Grace, a friendly, outgoing girl she didn’t know well, joined her for lunch. They discovered they would be together in two classes next semester, and they soon became good friends. Then one day in the spring, the subject of religion came up. Grace asked Amala if she was going to heaven. §
“We Hindus believe in reincarnation, so our idea of heaven is a bit different than what Christians are used to. It’s not a place where you live forever. It’s a place we stay until we’re reborn. Eventually we do reach a permanent heaven, when we’re not going to be reborn any more.”§
“That’s not true,” shot back Grace. “Only if you believe in Jesus Christ can you be saved and go to heaven.”§
“Who says so?”§
“Jesus said so, in the Bible, that’s who. The whole Bible is the word of God.”§
“How do you know that?”§
“The Bible says so.” §
Amala pondered this circular reasoning for a minute. “Oh, that’s fine. We probably shouldn’t talk about religion anymore.” §
“Well, if you want to keep being my friend, we should. You need to come to Jesus.”§
“What do you mean by that? You knew I was a Hindu when we first met.”§
The conversation ended awkwardly as the girls each headed for their next class. §
That evening Amala told the family about what Grace had said.§
“It sounds to me like you are experiencing friendship evangelism,” explained Dad. “There are certain Christians who make friends with people in the hopes of converting them to their faith. They pursue not only non-Christians, but even Christians of other denominations, such as Catholics.”§
“That doesn’t seem right,” Amala said, “You mean she just pretended to be my friend?”§
“Perhaps, perhaps not,” Dad replied. “A fellow college student of mine tried this with me. He sincerely cared about me. He believed that if I didn’t join his religion, I would burn in hell forever after I died. He didn’t want that to happen to me. Google it—you will find instructions on the Web on how to do friendship evangelism.”§
The next day at lunch, Grace ignored Amala and sat with Sundari, a shy Tamil girl who had come to America only the year before. She spoke excellent English, but with an Indian accent, and she was self-conscious about her dark skin, even though the school was multiracial.§
At the end of lunch, Amala caught up with Grace. “Are you trying that friendship evangelism thing on Sundari, too?”§
Grace blushed. “We don’t use that term—we are just trying to spread the truth about Jesus.”§
“I think you are taking advantage of a shy girl. That’s not right. She’s going to get hurt.”§
“No, she won’t, we are trying to save her soul. Anyway, there’s nothing you can do about it. We have freedom of religion in this country!”§
“You think ‘freedom of religion’ means you can coerce anyone you want to be a part of your religion?” Barked Amala. Grace said nothing, for once.§
That evening Amala spent a couple of hours with Dad researching “friendship evangelism” on the Web. They found out that it is controversial among the Christians themselves, some of whom regard it as insincere and dishonest. The next day Amala asked Grace if she could join the after-school Bible meeting at her church. §
“I’m not coming to get converted. I want to talk to all of you about friendship evangelism.”§
Not knowing quite how it would go, but impressed with how politely Amala was asking, Grace agreed. She had to admit to herself that she wasn’t entirely comfortable with friendship evangelism, and her Bible group, all Southern Baptists, had debated whether or not to do it.§
Amala, Nandi, Dad and Mom all discussed how Amala should handle the meeting. This was to be her toughest negotiation yet. It was far more serious than any fight with her little brother, and the stakes were much higher.§
Grace had explained to her Bible group why Amala was coming to the meeting. Some thought this might be a good opportunity to convert her, but Grace disagreed. “She’s a pretty staunch Hindu. I think we should just hear what she has to say about friendship evangelism.”§
A few minutes later, Amala walked cautiously into the chapel. Grace introduced her to the group and invited her to speak. §
“I came from India,” she began, “where evangelism is a controversial subject. Most of the Christians there don’t try to convert others, but the ones that do use any and every method in the book. Did you know that preachers often give food or jobs to poor villagers if they agree to convert? Such converts are called Rice Christians.”§
“Wow,” said Grace, “They actually bribe them to convert? I didn’t know that.” §
“Grace,” thought Amala, “also has some experience in negotiating. Clearly, she is trying to show that she understands what I am saying.”§
“I never lived among many Christians before I got to America, and now I’m really impressed with them. They’re a wonderful, kind, devoted and charitable people, and that includes the people right here in this group. You changed my opinion of Christianity—that is, until you tried friendship evangelism on me.”§
“But I truly wanted to be your friend,” offered Grace defensively.§
“Perhaps, but you dropped me as soon as you found out I wouldn’t convert. Why didn’t you tell me in the first place what you wanted? Or better yet, why didn’t you just be a good example of a Christian? Maybe then I would have been interested in what made you a good person.”§
Grace sank down in her seat. “So, you really felt deceived?”§
“Yes, and I don’t want to see it happen to others. You can talk all you like about freedom of religion, but when people get hurt, there’s no religion in that!”§
The other Bible class students looked at Grace, their leader, waiting to hear what she would say.§
“To be honest, we debated this when someone first brought us pamphlets on friendship evangelism. But to us, the stakes are really high. Our faith says that the only way to heaven is through Jesus. Otherwise you go to hell. Why should we let such a terrible thing happen to anyone?”§
“I understand you think you are doing people a great service by trying to convert them,” Amala echoed.§
“Yes, and I can see your point also,” offered Grace. “Maybe we should focus on being better Christians, as you suggest.”§
Word got around school that Amala had talked the group out of their friendship evangelism methodology. Her fellow students were relieved, grateful and impressed that she had done it without making any enemies. “Little Miss Gandhi,” they named her, and Amala became the go-to girl for all sorts of problems, from fights between friends to misunderstandings with teachers.§
